al!sa

You hold the big picture so well,
Can't you see that we're going to hell.

The whole school has departed to their homes somewhere in the world for this thanksgiving break. I have not left, for my ride happens to be an RA who checks all the rooms of those who are in their homes somewhere in the world already. SO, currently I am sitting in what seems to be my "one room apartment" dorm room on my high perched bed, large window to my right, desk lamp to my left, and suitcase waiting to be zipped in front of me. Jose Gonzalez is blasting out of my speakers...quite hours do not exist in this realm tonight.
Looking around my room - I have multiple vases of flowers on my window sill; yellow daises sleeping in a red cup from the dinning hall and white asters secretly dying in a plastic bottle. There are rocks I collected from the quary day dreaming beside my flowers along with a book on meditation and an ex-lovers diary beside them.
A smear of pride washes over my face and quickly hides beneath the covers.
The colors have faded from the newspaper clippings on my wall - where did those colors go? Somewhere in this world they're hiding.
I'm terribly ok with being alone in this room tonight.

Alisa. Look around. Alisa.

I mocked the Swine Flu epidemic like I read it in some tabloid magazine. The Swine was fake to me; and here I am sitting in bed for the past 5 days with the flu. I'm not sure if it's Swine, but I have the flu and I'm not better yet.
I haven't left this room in 4 days, I haven't felt the sunshine or the gusts of wind outside this window.
If you want more love, why don't you say so?
I missed SO much this week and I hate that I couldn't do anything about it. I physically couldn't help it.
BUT, the best part of being sick is when you have someone that would drop everything to take care of you. She would make me soup, pat me down with rubbing alcohol, play with my hair, rub my back, wash me, and just be there smiling. I'm so grateful I have her. She takes care of me.

P.S I love you.
Alisa.

Inside each of us, there’s continual autumn.
Our leaves fall and are blown out over the water.
A crow sits in the blackened limbs and talks about what’s gone.

And while we are separated by hundreds of miles and several years, the beauty of our love still resonates in my soul.
I can feel my heart pulling.

To Thine Ownself, be true.

I glance back over my shoulder and find pieces of my past trailing along behind me, marching to the sound of my feet - I couldn't put a price on it.

Humans recycle people and emotions - it's a natural ability. So why is it so hard for us now?

- Alisa. I'll be writing more soon.

Look at you, silly girl.

So its a Sunday night and I am sitting at my computer with a luke warm liquid diet, searching for a way to stay grounded.
I want to abandon my career and major right now -  pick up the art of advocating and fight for a right that I will forever fight for in my family.

What if I lost myself in this mess, would you know where to find me?
What if I forget who I am in the end, would you remind me?

I want to hear everyone's stories of silence. I want my body covered with footprints.
Half of what I am wearing isn't mine.

I hope that when you read this, you'll think that I am wild.
Alisa.

FIVE minutes to write an entry -
I'm a player when it comes to words.


I walk around campus with my converses and button-ups.
My arms move as if they were leading the band behind me.
I'm a part of this even if you don't want me to.
I want to be part of a school and decode all that you've hidden.

My goal is to meet another person like me; that has the same pessimistic views and lives by the words "there is no truth."
I caught myself holding your hand while I slept last night.


I'm a conqueror of some sorts...and a mush in the end.
You Set Me on Fire.


Alisa.

I'm having trouble sitting down and writing how I feel.
I'm quitting something I have been doing since I was 6. I'm quitting for all the wrong and right reasons.
I'm quitting because I'm scared and because I don't know any better.
Did I factor in that everything that is being processed has it's consequences...I should be focusing on my grades, my friends and surviving college. Not figuring all this SHIT out. I'm pissed that this situation is taking things away from me.
I'm crossing boundaries that I didn't want to walk over.

You think you've got it bad when you're worst nightmare comes to life.
- - You think love hurts?!

Alisa.

 "I believe this is yours.."

I'm really happy I'm not home for fall break. I mean, everyone left school to be with family and friends for a few days which is real nice to catch up of course. For me, home is meeting new strangers and being a part of other people's families. I like having no connections to these people what so ever, and yet finding common ground in whatever we can dig up. You're real and alive; a walking, breathing person who has a story and everyone is just waiting to have a piece. We all sit back and enjoy, with some added flavor of weed, wine and love. Traveled to Michigan this fall break and spent the weekend at Jen's apartment, which currently I am sitting on her couch, watching Jen and Jordan play mario cart. We bowled, drank beer and wine, watched the football game and listened to records the entire night. Granted I've never met any of these people, but loved being a part of every bit of it.

I'm young and I like what she is teaching and sharing with me.
I like every aspect of my life. And I love these adventures. 

"You can have it, I'm giving it to you.."
Alisa. 

She breaks it down.
Cheers, love.

Alisa.

"You've changed. Where's the old Alisa I knew last semester?"
She actually thinks for a second and glances straight back at him as if the answer could be found on her face (maybe up her nose if you tried hard enough to look, ha). Motionless in her chair she waits for his eyes to move away from hers. It was that one glance that made him angry. He hated the answer she gave him.

Oh motionless I was in that chair. There are so many levels to which my muscles clenched in frustration and dissapointment but was stupefied by how serious he was. Stunned that this conversation was still going on. So what are you saying here? That I have altered my persona these past couple months in such a way that I'm not the same person, not even remotely the same passive, untouched, flammable piece of human flesh you knew as the "alisa a semester ago." Besides the idea that no one knew who I really was and that I was more of an outcast and angry person A SEMESTER AGO, but apparently I was better then. I was BETTER for YOU then coach. Seems as though you can't contain me anymore. Oh how this theme is just over-powering every aspect in my life. I'm loosing respect for people left and right and it has been one of my true motifs theses days to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and the one-up if I say so; but you're digging yourself a grave in my mind now. I've let things like this slip by me all year until it really rubbed against me, and maybe my summer has to do with me not taking shit anymore but that's my choice and not yours to discriminate. I wish I could tell him to get off, that he looks like a little boy in my eyes now, where he once stood as a statue. The idea that I am starting to be a strain in your eyes not only pisses me off, but just solidifies the notion I had made earlier. You're trying to make me like everyone else.

Why are you all afraid of losing your own personal power over people? What are you defending?

Alisa. I'm not even done. Alisa

Did you disappoint your god?
It's so easy to give in.


Currently sitting at Milne, wasting away some 10 minutes or so before THEA 234.
In Psych 215 this morning I was leaning my head on my hand, left side, when I felt some pain by my jaw. Sure enough I felt my lymph nodes, and felt that my tonsil was swollen and HURTING! I'm fighting some bacteria in me right now. I know its weird but I think that's awesome that my body is fighting against things that I had no idea about until my tonsil decided to blow up like a balloon.
I want to know everything I am up against - all the wars I put myself through.

Today I feel separated from my role and understand that my body wants me to try harder.
Ok.

Alisa. A lover and a dreamer again. Alisa

Why am I so confused?








- Alisa

Caught in her breath, loaves of white, creamy cheeks come close to my chin, inching up to my lips which part as if pulled by strings. Strings loose on wooden bridges making pitched frequencies of love...five, six, seven, eight..dance till the sheets cover nothing but the floor.
Sea floor parting beneath our bodies, heat rising between the tectonics of our bones. Can I call you mine?
This was all played out by my fingers; pointers, middles and thumbs. My heart was the director. Oh that was cheese =)


Fervent. AK.
Wine and late night minutes.

Alright, alright...lights out with just a desk lamp on and a tea pot filled with Colorado Mile High tea bathing.
I promised these books I'd read them. On my desk, they're waiting for me to get off my ass and take a risk.
Sometimes I know where I am and what I am doing and what things will become.

Schools Alright. Reached a plateau of going to class, taking notes and sleeping it off.
I'm enjoying my suite - my roommate and I will have a short, good conversation before bed, involving sharing feelings and emotions. It's a step for KK. Before practice she talks about all these guys she likes and I'll ask which ones she thinks is the cutest. Ha. I've never lived with such a heterosexual person before! With my suite mates, they're cheating on their boyfriends of 2 years and the secret of the cheating never leaves the room. I'm part of some conspiracy that is developing in A3B. Even with everything moving so fast around me I still feel good with how my feet are doing on the ground. I'm doing good here - I'm reaching out to everything that interests me.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.
Alisa.

The frustration that's fueling my hand, as I pull it up to signal my thoughts in class, is leading me to new things. Lets just say I have an appointment with my adviser on Tuesday. Perhaps a new minor, a new major, or maybe a new START on the good stuff that's been hiding all this time.

Everything is in its place.
I'm really enjoying this new deep I got going.

Alisa.

There is a picture frame on my desk. College desk, college wood and college air. It's in my college room and belongs to the forever cycling college days.
I'm naturally reserved but right now I feel like screaming! I want more! There are mountains in the sky howling at me; how do I get up there so quickly? How do I make this happen without having everything fall off me?

I don't even think it matters to be lost in your own love chains.

Alisa. I got nothing. Alisa.

Bedside, decorated in blankets with not an once of apprehension on my skin. Last day home and that's what I come up with!
I've erased identities with the beetling branches that slide across my window. I've discovered happiness that settled at the bottom of the jar with fingers dripping with ambition and impatience. I've raced against anger, coupled with jaundiced eyes laced with fervor.
Summer is over for me - I've lost some things, gained some in response. For goodness sake, I'm in therapy now!
I'm so glad to be going back to geneseo tomorrow. MY school; MY home. It's the medal at the end of the marathon.
I'm seeing a lot of people today, playing my last game with my womens softball team, packing the van and ending the night with a long awaited goodbye.

I'll do my best to comply.
I cant my darling, I love you so.


I'll be in Geneseo when you get this =) Alisa.

"I am terrified; I'm fucked. "
I was writing today and I go, "my room has this ominous feel to it; its different and I'm not sure who did it." I took a step back from the page and tried to come up with the answer. Everything that is lined up on my dresser, all the little trinkets and pictures seem so far; nothing feels like its mine. Not even the clothes falling off my shoulders, or the hair tucked behind my ears. I'm surrounded by this dead sea - just floating not having any roots or belonging to anything. I do not live here anymore and I sure do not belong here anymore.

I am terrified I won't be the same person after all this.


 Alisa. Ya.

And they said to me, "You are strong. You are special. You are going to live a long happy life with what you want in it."
And I said to them, "ok."









This is the beginning..
 Alisa.

I haven't really noticed but I've got this little collar around my neck. Not sure how it got there - not even sure how long it's been there. I'm glad I found it today tho - I've been so caught up in keeping everything I have with me that I forgot about what's keeping me here on the ground. Why haven't I floated off and why haven't I felt new things? I've definitely became something I never thought I could be but I don't appreciate the passive person I have just learned I am. This is between myself and only me. It's my doing and my fears that put me in a dreamworld. A leash is something I never thought I'd have around me - and I really need to fix that asap. I've been so grounded to keep you here with me that I lost my flying abilities. Gotta get back on track.

"touch your noes, you're the girl that wanted more."

Secretly I want it to rain on my laptop right now so I can hear the sweet destruction. The Silence in my mind I have tucked away. Rain On.
Alisa.

Either wanting to fight or disappear is what I find myself debating sometimes. I'm weighing circumstances as if I am a banker; which one saves me the trouble or which one leaves me with more. It's always about that. I've lied my entire life to my parents (that's the disappearance act). You create lies to become invisible so you don't disrupt the wallpaper. Like this weekend for example, beads of lies already placed ready to shine in the light and tell their false stories. The truth is compromised for the ability to see the person I have fallen for.
I have yet to risk it all to fight - the truth would become my shield and weapon. I'm not ready to go to war yet.
I'm content with being a magician for now.

Everything in front of you is an illusion.
I disappear tomorrow evening <3

Alisa. Charmer of the Flames. Alisa.